Tired

i don't normally feel tired. as a general rule i am pretty, high energy! still it has been a long 2 years, a tough last six months and the past 45 days has emotionally beat me down. whoooooooooooooooooa! don't feel sorry for me just yet. it is a good tired. you know the kind of tired you feel after you run 3 miles or exercise for an hour. a tired that comes from a sense of accomplishment. i feel tired like that.

now this isn't my accomplishment. but more God's accomplishment...here is a bit of my story.

Two years ago I became restless about the exact call to ministry God has upon my life; this restlessness seemed to be born out of a sense that God might be calling me to lead a congregation. Initially that simply meant beginning the process of seeking a church to serve as a Senior Pastor; little did I know how that initial step would lead me into a two year journey where God has chosen us to move to Montana in an effort to join friends and plant missional churches. Early on as I prepared my resume I wondered to myself if God might be asking me to plant a new church. I can honestly say I spent an entire year wrestling with my own ego, wondering if it was truly God’s calling or my own selfish desires. In the late part of 2006 I started looking into how a person goes about planting a new church. The information I received was overwhelming to the point where I actually put the entire concept out of my mind for the holidays. However, the nudging of the Holy Spirit continued. In January of 2007 Courtney and I had a serious conversation about planting a church, and we made a covenant to pray and seek out this possible call. I had no idea the road this commitment would eventually lead us down. I began by reading everything I could on church planting. Eventually, I signed up to attend a church planting boot camp in Waco, Texas in July of 2007.

My hope was that the boot camp would reveal to me I wasn’t a planter, nor was God calling me to be a planter. I longed for a safe, maybe, easier route to serve God. Instead, my time at the camp became a confident assurance of God’s call on our family to plant a church. Another conversation Courtney and I had in early August led us to again covenant to pray together for a team to step forward in an area that was unchurched and had little or no moderate Baptist voice. I could not have imagined how God would use that prayer.

those last 2 paragraphs are from a form letter i have been sending to friends and loved ones. i'll take it from there. so court (my wife) and i started praying for a place to plant a church. it should be said i have no silly ideas about my ability to bring God to any given place. i believe God is working everywhere and we were simply praying for people to rise up to show us where to join the things God is already doing in this world.

in the fall of 2007 i called a family friend, bruce gourley, for advice and little did i know God was already answering our prayers. the following months would reveal bruce and his family were the beginings of the team that we had been praying for and God revealed to me that God's work in Montana is something i could be excited about joining. over the 5 1/2 months God has continually revealed this to be our path by opening door after door for us.

i have more questions than answers...what kind of church? missional, i think, who is going to be a part of it? i am not sure, what is our purpose? Loving God by Living Community and Serving the World (the only thing i know fore sure), how will i make a living? i have no idea, will God provide (other people to partner with? money to live on? opportunities to serve billings, mt?) i hope...

so because of all of this i am tired. not tired of serving God, cause i still get excited when i wake up and meet one of our teenagers in our current ministry for breakfast or lunch, etc...not tired because of all of the uncertainty surrounding my sense of God's direction for our lives, cause my faith offers me hope.

maybe just tired, because life ain't easy, decisions are tough, leaving those who you love behind is sad and fear of the unknown causes anxiety. following God should make us tired, it ain't simple.

am i tired, yes, i wouldn't have it any other way.